“I never take any pictures, cuz I know I’ll just be right back” -Dallas Green “Coming Home”

I’ve decided to start documenting my travels this year with pictures from the road.  A couple people have told me I should do it because “it must be an exciting life”.  I’m going to post these pictures to disprove their theory and to try and sum up what a typical week on the road is like.  Check this page for updates.  This week I’ll be in Raleigh, NC at Goodnights Comedy Club.  I’m headlining the Wednesday Show and Featuring for John Heffron Thursday-Sunday

You can read a brand new “What I learned this week” on my facebook page.  Add me as a friend.  You can also win a pair of tickets to see me Saturday January 29th at Rapids Theatre in Niagara Falls.  I will be performing for the Buffalo Jills Comedy Show. 

Click here and add me now

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/profile.php?id=656132924

This week I’ve learned that I’m terrible grandson with no guilt. Recently, my grandmother came over for dinner along with a family friendwho picked her up , since neither my parents or I wanted to. She walked in sluggishly with a cane, and mentioned that she had fallen in her apartment last week and hurt her back and it was killing her.  We were surprised to hear the news since none of us were aware this fall had occured, most likely, because none of us cared.  Now, I this may sound mean to most people, but you have to understand who my grandmother really is.  I’ll try to sum it up as quickly as possible. You see, I’m her only grandchild and my fondest memory of her, to date, was being five years old and watching her violently fall on the Teddy Ruxspin Display at Toys R Us  commiting involuntary manslaughter on at least five Teddy Ruxpins.  Now, I’m sure my immediate concern for the Teddy Ruxpins, over her, left a bad taste in her mouth, but at least the Teddy Ruxspin would tell me stories.  She, on the other hand, would tell my mom she was concerned with the size of my nose. As a kid, I remember being insanely jealous when my friends would get $100 from their grandparents for their birthday, or even worse, for no reason at all.  Here’s $100 “just for being you”, I would imagine the card would read, “For being you and having a normal boy nose”.  For the times my grandmother would actually remember my delivery day, the gifts were far from crisp Benjamin Franklins. Once, for my 22nd birthday, she gave me a card that said “To a very special teenager” and inside was a shiny gift card to Anderson’s for $2.50.  I wish I had been there to see that transaction.  Most likely she ordered a small cone and when the cashier went to give her the change she pondered for a minute then went “put that on a gift card.  My grandson’s not old enough to drink yet, so he can take a date here”.   So now here we are, in the present, finishing up dinner. Our family friend didn’t feel comfortable taking my accident prone grandmother back to her apartment so my parents offered my services, both mentioning at the same time “Matthew can take her”, which is the adult version of going ”not it”.   On the drive back, after 15 minutes of awkward silence, my grandmother decided to continue with the theme of awkwardness by asking me if I would help her change into her pajamas when we got back.   Immediately I started thinking of excuses.  I was like “Ohh I would..but I’m not going to”.  In the end I convinced her to sleep in her jeans or ask someone at the front desk to help her. I actually think this was a ploy to screw me up more than I already am.  Sure helping my grandmother change into her PJ’s is the fastest way to end my days of maintaining a healthy erection, but I’m not quite ready to give that privilege up.  After I dropped her off and drove away my Catholic guilt started to kick in.  I remembered that quote from the Bible when Jesus denies the person into heaven giving the example “when you didn’t feed the hungry, you didn’t feed me”.  I wondered if I might face the same scrutiny one day. ”When you didn’t change your Grandmother into her PJ’s, you didn’t change me”.  But I would like to believe even Jesus understands that there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Feeling better about my decision as well as my ability to understand how Jesus’s brain works I ended up sleeping like a baby that night remembering the soft gentle words of my mother, years ago, when she would say ”Teddy Ruxspin is in Heaven Now”.

I’m shocked and saddened by the passing of my friend and fellow comedian, Jocko Alston.  He was an amazing person, father, and comedian.  I will always cherish our conversations and pray that his little girl, Presley, will remember how much he loved her.  The last time I saw Jocko the first thing he did, after a big man hug, was show me all the pictures he had of her in his cell phone.  He’s one of the few comics who knew me from the start of my career and I always looked forward to working with him.  I hope one day comics will feel the same way about me as I know they did about him. 

RIP JOCKO.  I’m so blessed to have known you

Just wanted to let everyone know you can catch me Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7-9am on Morning Bull on 103.3 The Edge.  If you don’t live in Buffalo you can stream live at 103.3 The Edge.  If you don’t have a computer…kill yourself..or buy a computer.  I’m sure there are other options, but that’s all I can think of right now

Cheers

Just a quick update.  CD/DVD release I hope will be sometime in Janaury.  Add me on facebook or keep checking this website for details.  Catch me in Toronto at Absolute Comedy next week which is December 16-19. 

2011 Schedule is looking great.  James Kurdziel and I will be doing some college and club shows together promoting the CD/DVD.  Check the show page..or is it tour page?  Im not even sure what it’s called.  Either way.  Check for updates

In the words of the Arkells “I aint gonna fear the new year”

Just wanted to let everyone know I will be recording my first DVD at Mohawk Place in Buffalo, NY on Friday October 15th.  If you live in Buffalo and would like to come to the show for free, email me at bergmancomedy@yahoo.com and I’ll put you on the guest list.

The DVD/CD combo is being put out on Good Charamel Records, which is Robby Takacs(from the Goo Goo Dolls) label.  You can visit www.goodcharamel.com for information about the label

I expect the DVD will be out sometime in early December 2010.  Perfect Xmas gift!

I’ve been to all these states since the last time I blogged..or is it tumbled?  Who cares.  I’d like to say the reason I haven’t sat down and blogged is due to being super busy, but the truth is, I forgot my password.  When I signed up for this we came up with the really funny password and I remember thinking, “I’ll never forget this”.  Well, fast forward to two months later, sitting at my computer with a blank stare on my face, thinking “what the hell is that funny password”.  I guess it wasn’t as funny as I thought.  Lets catch you up to date

June 21-25th I worked the Comedy Club OBX in Outer Banks, North Carolina with one of my favorite comics and people, Tom Simmons.  This was my fifth time at this club and I love the owners Ed and Leslie.  They are a husband and wife team and even though Ed has seen my jokes over and over, he still laughs.  It’s a great club since you have one show a night at 9pm.  The rest of the time is spent on the beach, which Simmons and I took full advantage of.  My favorite conversation was when we were making fun at the fact we don’t know how to make posters.  I remember saying something along the lines of “what the fuck is a template”.  We laughed for a while then decided to name some of the guys we know, that know how to make posters, and what they’ve accomplished in this business.  The laughter quickly became bitterness and now we are both working on learning how to make posters.

July 15-18th I spent at the Improv in Cleveland, Ohio.  I worked with another terrific comic named Ian Bagg.  During one of the shows a black guy threatened to kick Ian’s ass when he came off stage.  Apparently he took offense to one of Ian’s lines and was booted out of the club before he could deliver the ass kicking.  I’m amazed when someone threatens a comic.  Except for maybe Joe Rogan, we are all terrified human beings.  Even as Ian was being threated he was complete control of the crowd and still confident.  I was barely near the incident and was ready to run out the door. 

July 23-24th I did shows at Stitches in Lancaster, PA.  People laughed.

Last week I performed at the Funnybone in Cranberry, PA with the hilarious Todd Lynn.  We sat and wrote jokes in Bob Evans and talked the biz.  It was much better than sitting in the hotel room watching Marley and Me.  Have you seen that movie?  I started crying the minute the dog had trouble walking up the stairs until three minutes before I wrote this blog. 

This week I’m at Joeys in Livonia, MI.  Next week I’ll be at the Comedy Cafe in Milwaukee and then I am off for three weeks.  I plan on playing madden and getting ready for my fantasy football draft.  I used to hate people who talked about fantasy football, but last year was my first year participating and hoooly shit..it is amazing.  It makes every game worth watching.  Not to mention I love gambling, so I get my fix each Sunday and therefore stay away from the Casinos.  Fantasy Football is Nicorette for Gamblers.